I’m beginning to think the key to a happy life is surrender. Everything is easier when you surrender to where you are now and how you are, rather than fighting to change it.
My illness got a lot easier to cope with, and indeed get better from (not cured, but a vast improvement from my collapse), when I surrendered to where I was, rather than railing against it all the time.
I have always been a solitary person, on the outside of groups, which is why I have ended up as the stage manager/project manager/event manager, rather than centre stage, as it were. I have always enjoyed solitary pursuits – running, swimming and above all reading. I have a handful of close friends, all of whom I see individually rather than in large groups.
Until quite recently I have beaten myself up for that, I should have more, be more outgoing. Even on my recent pilgrimage I realised that I wasn’t enjoying listening to other people’s chatter, nor did I want to join in, I actually wanted to be by myself. And then I just accepted that, rather than berating myself for not being more sociable.
I’m logical and creative. I am beginning to regret dropping A Level maths for Theatre Studies though, I suspect I would have had a very different, and probably happier life. I did a Theatre Studies degree, not really suitable for my introverted, solitary ways. I wish I had accepted myself a lot earlier in my life, rather than now as I approach the end of my thirties. Still, I’m not dead yet and there is still time to craft a life which suits me.
On Renee’s urging I have looked at the Enneagram and, like Myers-Brigg I am not surprised by my outcome – I’m a 1, a reformer and an INFJ on the Myers-Brigg. It is useful to know this and work with it, I will be doing further research around this to understand myself better.
I think we are supposed to be who we are to the best of our abilities, rather than a poor version of someone else.