Beginning again, again, again…
I stop writing on here for numerous reasons, but mainly when my faith or life gets messy. Because obviously I have to only show a good face here. Which is ridiculous. The books i enjoy reading the most are those who struggle with their faith and their life, not in a schadenfreudian way, but because I just cannot relate to those who only have a certainty, not a faith
Faith is not having all the answers, that’s essentially what faith means, we don’t have any empirical proof for all of this belief malarkey. That’s the point. When there is certainty about faith fundamentalism is never far behind and we all know the horror that can result from that.
Coming back to writing is always painful. It’s the same as when I didn’t play my flute for a month, I’d lost my embouchure. This is the shape your mouth makes to form the notes and it is different as you move up and down the range, even from note to note. Although the keys are important, the shape of the mouth is equally so. For some notes you have the same buttons pressed and it is the shape of the mouth which decides which octave you are playing in. The hardest notes to play are those at the bottom and the top of the range. The bottom isn’t too much of a problem, if you don’t have the ombrochure right the note doesn’t sound properly, or there is too much air and you make a sort of flattered raspberry. But the top notes? If you don’t have the embouchure right they sound hideous, high pitched, flat/sharp off notes. But when you get it right the music soars and it is beautiful.
I had to go through the raspberry/shrieking phase before I settled back into it agian. And the thought of going through the painful phase mades me not want to play, but it is the only way to actually get on to being halfway good again.
And now I sit here, with hundreds of thoughts all careening around my brain and I need to find a way to either write them, or discard them. I never know where to start, what is good and bad. And the answer is I won’t know until I sit down and write. Then my writing brain will warm up and start to filter the ideas out before I get to the keyboard. But first the painful part….
Part of the pain is that I get caught up in wanting to write the important things, which are going to make a difference to the world! Nothing like having high expectations to actually stop you from starting doing the work. So I have reached an accord with myself that I will sit and write and share what I write. Regardless of its worth and value. I will of course edit before I share, but not before I write!
I’ve thought a lot about why don’t I just stop writing then, I have a handful of followers on this blog, but when I’m not writing I’m always thinking about how I could be writing, or I should be writing. I enjoy it a great deal, not least because it helps me to solidify my thoughts. So, I just need to turn up and write. Get my fingers back in shape, don’t worry about the messiness of life and faith, but just write and share a couple of times a week.