Bumbling, stumbling faith
Over a year ago my husband told me that I wasn’t a mystic, but a techie. It broke my heart. But I decided he was right, and this awareness might lead to happiness. So I started to learn to code. However, I was also trying to do my grade 5 Music Theory exam (having never studied it before) and it was taking all my brain power, so I had to stop.
Fast forward on a year and I am back coding again and loving it. My current industry is difficult at this moment in time and I am struggling to find work. I could go back to supply teaching, but a) it’s been 5 years and b) I am not sure I will be able to physically do it. My health is hard won and I hesitate to do anything to jeopardise it.
I hope that coding will eventually lead to a new, more sustainable career, to support my life to give me time to focus on photography and music. Interestingly both of these are creative pursuits, but are quite technical in their own right.
I decided I should just focus – coding, photography and music. Take what work I can to earn money and focus. Give this site up and, along with it any hope of eventually turning into Anne Lamott or Glennon Doyle-Melton, and focus on the things I need to do, and want to do too.
And I’ve tried. But, I really do find that writing for an audience (albeit it a rather tiny one at the moment) helps me to refine my thoughts, it helps me to understand what I am thinking.
There is also a part of me that wants to share my story – that of a bumbling, stumbling faith. At this time of year so many people are sharing stories of how perfect things are, or hopeful stories of those who have had a tough time, but continued to stay focused on God and are living a life full of joy. These stories make me feel useless and inadequate because I have lost at least 3 months this year to a wicked bout of depression which has left me on the floor. I tried to stay focused on the divine, but that is easier said than done when getting out of bed seems to require an inordinate amount of energy. None the less I really do try to keep handing everything over to God, and not snatching it back again in the next breath. There are even times when I can feel her presence in my despair.
I am sure there are others like me, who are doing their best, but are never going to have a super shiny life because they are not cut out that way. And that’s ok.
This post, and hopefully the blogging mojo, has been instigated by Renee’s great post on not doing advent. I have been reading Renee’s work for years now and it is one of the few blogs I comment on. In fact if you were to go through the archives you would see me as the various blog names I have had through the years.