There is a part of me who wants to serve God at a deeper level, that I need to offer more to God, or at least open up to God more.
But I love playing the flute in my band, I want to play my violin more and spend more time taking photographs.
I like working too, my new job is ok, the work is stressful, but the company is great. I hope over time to move out into a more technical role and spend less time dealing with the phone.
I think this brings me back to my continual fight between the two sides of me, the spiritual and the technical. My husband once told me I was a techie not a mystic and I cried for an hour. But the technical side of me is why I like my job. My creative hobbies, music and photography both have as much to do with technique as much as art. I enjoy programming.
Yet, I leave work at lunchtime to take refuge in the church, or walk by the river. I need to take that time to get close to God.
How do I balance this deep calling to commune with God with coding? That is not a rhetorical question! I am being open about the fact that I am Christian at this new job, which feels like a massive thing. At this time of year it is saying I have given up chocolate for Lent… I work in a technology company. This feels like a big deal.
Frequently I spend my train journey listening to music, looking out of the window and listening to God. I walk and try to hear God. I’m trying to open my heart and mind to God as much as I can…but right now that doesn’t feel enough.
There are times that I think my urges to write here, play music and do photography is enough, that maybe that is God whispering in my ear…then the doubt sets back in again