I think due to the fact that my collagen doesn’t work properly (which is part of your body’s structure) I like to create a lot of structures around me to hold me up, especially while I have been healing.
I think this is why Christianity was so seductive, lots of structure, easily accessible. However, now I am feeling the call to be free, to experience life in a looser way and I am honouring that. I am going to keep the things that work for me – my morning routine for example, I don’t know how I would be able to cope without that.
The biggest thing I am thinking about is my art work. I’ve spoken about how my jealously has been telling me that I want to create for decades and I’ve ignored it. I took up photography as it was a safe way to create, although there is a lot of creativity within photography there is also a technical base that you really do need to understand in order to shoot well. This suits my more practical side.
However, I have been ignoring this underlying feeling of wanting to paint and draw what I want, not necessarily realism, or sketching what is going on around me, but more intuitive work. Conveying my thoughts visually, rather than through words.
That is deeply scary, there isn’t any structure. I’ve been a big fan of Sketchbook Skool since its opening and I enjoyed it a great deal, but I decided a while ago I wasn’t going to do it anymore as I had more important things to do. Why? Why did I do that?
So I have been out and brought a load of paint and I am having fun just splashing it around. I’m not doing it to create anything in particular, just to enjoy myself. And oh, how I am.
I’m not going to give up photography, I have several projects that I want to do and I am slowly starting to pick up clients paying me to do event coverage, which is fantastic. I want my photography to serve me, and not to be only visual art. I want to use my photography to shine a light on important issues, my dream client (and this is the first time I have written this down) is someone like Plan, who work with girls at risk of female genital mutilation, lack of schooling, forced marriage etc. I sponsor a girl in Africa and I love hearing from her and Plan’s updates about the work they do. That is the sort of photography work I want, as well as creating my own projects.
I feel like I am entering exciting times, that I am coming into myself. I wonder if it is because my 38th birthday was a little over a month ago and it was bitterly disappointing. Maybe that has gone down into me and my subconscious has decided that I need to create my own reality. Or maybe this is just the culmination of years of practice, sloughing off my old self, created to pleased others my my true, shining self is coming to the forefront.
What are you ignoring in yourself? Is your soul whispering to you and you are deaf to it?