I spend a huge amount of time journalling, and recently I have been questioning if it is a waste of time, a self indulgent and rather expensive form of procrastination away from what I truly want to be doing. Writing my novel and doing photography. Why expensive? Because it is a tactile and sensual experience for me, so I use high quality paper and pretty ink.
Part of me knows this is rather harsh, because journalling helps to corral my thoughts, it stops my endless rumination in my head and allows me to get it on paper. I have blog ideas in there, it is a space to muse and ponder. Why should I take away something which feeds me? In the grand scheme of things it isn’t that expensive, and it’s a healthy behaviour.
But I also started wondering if my continual spiritual practice is of any value, all of the reading that I do, the time spent in prayer, meditation and worship. My husband doesn’t have any form of spiritual practice, and although he is deeply supportive and listens at length to my angst about it, he doesn’t understand it. We’ve had conversations about this where I’ve tried to explain my thoughts and feelings, and he doesn’t have them at all. There is a complete blank in the part of him which is filled with divine for me. It’s not even a blank, he doesn’t have any sense of loss about it, there isn’t a gaping hole. I find this utterly incomprehensible.
I’ve also recently started doing ecstatic dance and wow, it is amazing, a whole body prayer. I love dancing so much, when I go back through my journals I found that I kept writing in that I love to dance, even though there was no where to do it (I live in a very small house). I would sometimes dance in the woods while out with Buster if I knew that there was no-one around.
Then I listened to Alanis Morrisette on Oprah’s Super Soul podcast. And she said that if she had to be just one thing, she would be a devotee of the Divine. She explained how she spent a huge amount of time praying, meditating, journalling, dancing, moving and being outdoors. My soul sang back in response YES!!!!
YES! This is what I am, I am a devotee of the divine, all of these things I do make up my devotion. Just because it doesn’t earn me any money doesn’t mean that it is not a fundamental and vital part of who I am. There is a part of me which is whispering that if I just keep following this everything else will fall into place and I can stop worry.
I have real money hang ups, especially since I became self employed, it is a precarious situation to be in and up until now I haven’t been well enough to build up the work that I need to have multiple income streams. My primary work is in the arts and, whatever any online gurus say about charging your worth, the arts only ever pay what I am earning. One of my clients is one of the biggest arts organisations in the country and they pay the same rate as most of the others pay – everyone else pays less. When I was earning a lot in the arts (relatively speaking) it is because I was working like a maniac and I paid by my body breaking down.
I have to let go of this idea that everything I do needs to be turned into a way of earning money, again a downfall of being self employed. All of the time that I spend in worship isn’t a negative thing, it is soul and centre of who I am. From journalling to walks in the woods, dance to meditation it is a continual call to the Divine.
I am a devotee of the Divine.