Don’t be so silly
Recently I have started to become aware of the fact that I quite often say to myself:
Don’t be so silly
And that’s the kind version, there are other versions which can be quite nasty.
I suspect that I am only catching the odd slap-down here and there, there are probably more.
What that sentence does is to negate my feelings and hide my desires from me.
Hmmm, not great really when I am trying to live a life dedicated to the divine, because I suspect those thoughts are gentle nudges onto a good life, living to my potential and they may even be leadings from God, and they are certainly my intuition and I need to listen.
Ignoring that voice recently meant that we fell prey to a con man. To cut a long story short, there was a builder knocked on the door and said he was working next door and they had water coming in, but it was from our side. Could he take a look? The result – he wasn’t working for next door, we let a con man into our house, he threatened our neighbour and it cost us £250 and he didn’t do any work. But when he said his first sentence that little voice piped up ‘close the door, call Heidi and check!’. And do you know what I did to that voice? Slapped it down and told me not to be a silly woman, making a fuss and being rude to this stranger on the door.
Because, clearly not being rude is the most important thing. I have to say my husband was in the house, otherwise I wouldn’t have let the builder in in, I never let anyone in without an appointment. I do wonder how much of this is gendered. We are taught to be polite, not make a fuss etc.
What else have I shut down? I am now trying to listen a little bit harder, to catch those voices and be kind to myself.
I have wanted to play the violin for ages – I am talking YEARS. And what do I always say to myself when I think that? Don’t be so silly. Why? I am not saying I want to be a world class violinist, playing on the stage of the Southbank Centre, I just want to be able to play folk tunes on the violin. So, yesterday I had a taster session. Wow! I was grinning like a lunatic when I made the first bow which wasn’t a hideous scraping noise. It made me so happy.
Of course, now I want a violin and lessons, but do you know what? That doesn’t cost a fortune. I adore music generally. I have a notice above my computer stating four long term aims and one of them is to be an excellent musician, (the first is contentment and peace!). This plays into that (hah!), it is not a random strike out in a new direction. And it may give me great joy for a year and then no more. So be it. It maybe the start of a life long passion.
I am trying to follow those gentle nudges to make my life a more joyful place.