Liminal Luminous

a wandering, wondering space of devotion, creativity and freedom.
Living well

Faith as the foundation of life

All this to-ing and fro-ing about my faith and its practice makes me deeply fed up and angry and I want to let it all go. It takes up a huge amount of headspace, I spend a lot of time reading about it and thinking about it. Journaling about it and worrying about it all. 

I am not sure it is a positive part of my life at all. I don’t think that any time I spend in my head is good for me. I am better off when I am doing. When I move my body through swimming, walking and yoga. When I am playing music. When I am writing stories (which I never share…) When I am coding. 

This blog right here – waste of time and (virtual) space. I have told so few people about it. I hate the vulnerability I share here. I sometimes feel like I am ripping myself open and baring it to the internet. Which just seems stupid. And yet I continue to write. When I stop writing here I feel a bit lost. 

There is a part of me which is ashamed to be a spiritual person, like it is a sort of weakness. And yet, I can’t escape it. I can’t escape writing about it either. 

I want to dive deeper and deeper into my spiritual practice as I feel like it may be salvation for me. Part of me wants to cut it out as a canker in my life. 

I feel like yoga as a spiritual practice (rather than just the physical movements) is calling to me, and I want to study that further, but I don’t want to be a teacher of it. Part of me is sick of bouncing around from place to place and is yelling just bloody commit you dilettante. 

I am 40 this week and generally feeling quite good about it, but at the same time I worry that not only do I not have the life I want, but that I am not sure what that life would be. That I am failing at life because I am not settled into the faith/work/hobby/creative practice that is what I am supposed to do. That I keep grasping and failing to get a hold of myself and even that fundamental part of me, my faith. 

8 Comment

  1. Sometimes things take awhile. When practice isn’t working, it may be just a tedious stretch of the road. Frequent change can generate problems of its own, allowing nothing to really grow. My perception is (I may be wrong) that the sangha (the kindred on the journey) is the source of comfort and encouragement, the reason to stay and to keep on. Even when your light sangha is only in your own head, it can establish peace. Might there be a ray of hope in exploring what the Quakers have to offer in Central London or at Woodbrooke?
    Or you might find Emerson College has something inspiring to offer?
    I wonder if a drumming group (in effect a spirituality that is not word-based) might nourish your soul?
    Because I think some of your restlessness may be loneliness. You have a vital, hungry intellect, and I think you get tired when you run on empty. Kindred Spirits lift and nourish. May good company and peace find you. xx

    1. thank you for your thoughtful reply – there’s a lot to unpack there…. I keep coming back to thinking about the Quakers, but I find them a little intimidating, I suspect I’m worried that it will overhaul my life and I’m too scared to at this moment in time. I think they will challenge me in a good way, but I”m not quite ready yet.

      I sometimes go to a drumming circle and I enjoy it a great deal, but it isn’t really what I’m looking for..

      Yes, I am worried that frequent change does exactly as you say – it doesn’t allow the growth…. but it is interesting you say my reslessness may be loneliness, I do feel alone on this journey and it is difficult. My husband is an atheist, although endlessly supportive of my seeking, and I do feel like that makes it rather harder.

      I have been to Emerson for a story telling course, which I greatly enjoyed!

      I think above all else I am searching for my kinded spirits, and I hope to find a group which challenges and nourishes me at some point. Hah, maybe I should give the Quakers a go, it will certainly be challenging!

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