I can’t do it anymore…
I can’t do it anymore.
I can’t force myself to fit in with a belief system that makes me so angry at patriarchy, at the damage it has done in the world.
So that’s it, I am no longer calling myself a Christian.
I desperately wanted to be. I wanted to fit in, both with a community that is easy to find, a book and a series of structures that is easy to follow and a path of study that was clear cut, if I so choose.
More than anything I wanted to stop my eternal seeking, I wanted to rest in a spiritual tradition that would hold and nurture me.
Christianity isn’t that, no matter how many books I read to convince myself otherwise. Or prayers I say. I things I say.
So where does that leave me now?
Actually in a really good, happy and heart-open place.
I am worried about letting people down, but that is silly. I am worried that I am going to Greenbelt festival not as a Christian. But that is fine, I am not throwing the baby out with the bathwater, there is a lot of good in Christianity. And I am looking forward to the activism aspect of Greenbelt, as well as a lot of the music.
Lots of what Jesus says holds true still, the concept of grace and not having to earn the divine’s love is something I am taking forward with me. But not the continual reading of the bible. Nor attending services which are dreary just because I feel obliged.
What do I want now? I suspect I am back to begin a Pagan, but that word has a horrible amount of baggage for me. Deeply devote to the divine certainly. What I do want is a group of women to work with and do rituals in the woods with. I deeply miss that, that I am really not sure that is going to be part of my life again.
I suspect I am back to being a solitary practitioner again. Which makes me sad, but that is where I have been most of my life.
And that’s ok.