We were talking about journeys and the idea of coming home and I realised that my journey is a labyrinth, and always has been. To the extent that I have been thinking about tattooing a labrythn on my forearm to remind me that the journey will keep on being trodden, into the centre and out again. That you will tread the same route again and again, but it is different, because you are different, changed by what you have experience at the centre point and on the outsides, as well as the journey itself.
I tend to get rather panicked when I find myself back to a same point again, berating myself that I haven’t moved on past this point, that I’m back HERE AGAIN, when surely I should have moved on by now.
So I just need a little reminder that it’s ok, that it is natural.
But as for home, ah well, that is a trickier thing. The house I am currently in and share with my husband and dog is the longest I have lived anywhere since I was a child. Eight years now. I moved in with my husband, and so it is his house. He has made big changes, and gotten rid of a lot of stuff, but I am verging on minimalist, where as he does like a lot of things. So this is a source of conflict for us.
Due to its design it is a dark house too, and as much as I would like to paint the whole thing white, my husband likes the house to be darker. It is difficult finding a balance when we are at such opposite ends of the scale.
So home for me is as much about a mental state as it is a physical place. I want to think about my soul home. Where I am happiest.
I’ve realised, through getting very ill and then well again, that I need a lot of space in my life – few appointments, few obligations. I carry these very heavily and they take a large toll on me, both in terms of energy and mental headspace.
I want peace to be my home, my resting place. For that to be my default resting place, from which to weather the storms of life. I feel like I am a long way from this. I am a very angry person, quick to temper. I have been working on this for most of my life and I have made significant progress, but I still have a distance to travel.
Peace comes from time to bimble in the woods, to go for a swim and do my yoga. To spend time in prayer and meditation at multiple points in the day. To write in my journal, to create poems, to read, to write blog posts (and hopefully something longer one day) to play music and take photos.
Even that feels like a lot some days.
Spending time with my husband and close friends is important too, although I see my friends less than I would like as it tends to involve meeting in London, which I find utterly draining.
So, I see peace as my journey, as my home and my goal too. There are practices I can do to help this: kindness and genoursity; to be cheerful and easy going; to spend time in prayer and meditation. Notice I said practice – not perfect. In Buddhism you have precepts, which are ideals to live your life by, not absolutes which you should be doing and beat yourself up about if you don’t reach it.
What is your journey, and what is your home?