More thoughts on liturgy
I have come to the conclusion that I don’t like liturgy. Yes, I know this is a complete contrast to my last post on liturgy, but I have spent quite a lot of time with the Church of England liturgy since then and I’ve realised that it is a great summary of why I feel uncomfortable in church and calling myself a Christian.
I don’t believe with all that is said.
It’s funny, I don’t think, up till now, I have really taken the time to analyse it all line by line. I’ve not been confirmed, because I just haven’t felt right doing so, which means I haven’t done the lessons of pulling apart the creeds. Maybe the fact that I didn’t want to do the ceremony should have been a warning to look at it all in more detail. From the Nicene Creed:
We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ,
the only Son of God,
I can’t agree with only Son of God, because I consider myself a child of God. And indeed, everyone is too.
true God from true God
Now, I think this is the sort of thing which starts wars. I do believe there is one divine power, (and again, I’m back to the word God, which I think is highly divisive in and of itself), but we are all taking our own paths to get there.
So, no I don’t think Christians have the monopoly on what true God is, because the moment we try to define God we have stuck this magnificence into a box and limited that which is truly unknowable.
These are just two points which stick out, but the whole thing just feels wrong.
Where does that leave me now? Once again I am back to not being comfortable in a space. I don’t want to go back to being a solitary practitioner, I don’t have people to talk to about spiritual things on a day to day basis and I need a group, but I think I do need to be in a more open group. I am a reluctant and quite probably heretical Christian. I think follower of Jesus is a better way of putting it that Christian, because that has a huge amount of baggage and associations attached it to.
It is a shame as I like my little church, I like being able to walk there in ten minutes. I am able to get involved. I have some commitments there which I need to honour, but I think after that I am going to detach away.
There is a part of me which is saying I should just go and enjoy what I can from it, but I don’t like saying things which I don’t believe in and I should have known better to think that I would be happy rote repeating things, that’s very not in keeping with who I am.
My husband is a massive geek and when we first got together we looked at what alignment we are, based on the Dungeons and Dragons game – he is Lawful Good
A lawful good character typically acts with compassion and always with honor and a sense of duty. Such characters include righteous knights, paladins, and most dwarves. Lawful good creatures include the noble golden dragons.
and I am Chaotic Good
A chaotic good character does what is necessary to bring about change for the better, disdains bureaucratic organizations that get in the way of social improvement, and places a high value on personal freedom, not only for oneself, but for others as well. Chaotic good characters usually intend to do the right thing, but their methods are generally disorganized and often out of sync with the rest of society.
Obviously these are extremes, but that is about right for me, so now I need to find a space in which I feel comfortable. I find this exhausting. I want to find somewhere and settle, this endless seeking is wearing me down, but I think once I have found the right group it will be a strong place of nourishment for me and allow me to really grow.