On not knowing
I am someone who likes certainty and clear cut answers.
Programming appeals to me because it is quite binary (hah, that’s a geek joke), this works, or it doesn’t. I need to find why it doesn’t and what I can do to get it to work.
I am a binary thinking person. I like things to be clear and straight forward.
Working towards grades in music is great for me, I know what I need to do to pass/get a merit/distinction in my next exam, there is a syllabus which tells me and clearly defined marks. I might not be capable of passing it right now, but I know what I have to do to do so.
If my photos are not as I want them to be then there is something I am not doing right, and I can apply the principles of photography to figure it out.
Life isn’t like that and it causes me a lot of pain. I’m not sure if this is as a result of my brain and how I think, or if this is true for everyone. But I hate not knowing what is the best thing to do. I sometimes waste quite a lot of time trying to figure out the best thing – that if I do it all right then all will be well.
So with my binary brain and my need for certainty why on earth am I spiritual? Why am I religious? Why do I believe in God? If we accept that I do believe in God, then why aren’t I part of a more certain part of Christianity, the fundamentalist, or evangelicals? Why does my path wonder, wander and weave about all over the place, when at times I think of myself as a Druid, other as a Christian, a Christian Druid?
Why do I yearn for mystical experiences and that connection with the divine which is unknowable and unquantifiable? Again, the battle of techie and mystic rises.
But, there is a great relief for me in saying I don’t know. I don’t have the answer, and I am not supposed to. This is God’s realm. I can do my best to listen to little prompts and nudges from God, but really I can’t truly know. We go back to faith.
I don’t have to know. There is something bigger than me and I do not have to try to control it, find the answer. I can surrender to God and let it be.