Religion as belonging
I fell into a pattern of going to church regularly. I like the fact that when you go to a Church of England service, you know what you are going to get. I especially love the singing and music.
It is all written out for you in a little red book. You know what to say and when to say it. I find the rhythms deeply comforting.
Until I find them repetitive and restrictive.
Then I drift off from church for a while and do my worship in the woods, in the lake, by the sea.
I don’t agree with the vast majority of the church. I don’t agree with a lot of ‘Christianity’. I see all religion all as a metaphor, a way of a humans grasping after an understand of that which is far beyond human understanding. God is unknowable and too huge for us puny little humans.
I can’t associate myself with an institution which carries so much baggage, so much pain and hatred in its history.
But then I get lost without the strucuture and with trying to worship by myself.
I realise that I believe in Jesus as the son of God, but that he was not the only one, just one who was very well written about and who did great things. The whole resurrection? Ack I don’t know, that’s beyond me.
I want to start the Order of Bard, Ovates and Druids course again, and then I realise that I get fed up with that too and find it too restrictive and once again I am trying to find community with people. When I am a deeply solitary person. But then I miss my grove and I miss being part of a church and I hate trying to do this whole deeply devotional thing by myself.
And I find it all so exhausting. This is why it is easiest to say, yes I am THIS LABEL. Because with the label comes this group, this set of rituals, these people, these books to read, these things to believe. But then I push against it all and I am back at square one. Exhausted from trying to fit in and belong. Fed up of going along with things that I don’t fully believe.