I still don’t have very much work at the moment and the impact of that cannot be underestimated. It is so easy for me to feel like I have little worth because I haven’t got much work.
The implications of that are staggering – that I am only worth what I can earn. It is certainly not putting my trust in God, or taking my identity from being saved by God is it? I know that I can get on and do the things I like to do at these down times. I have art to make, music to play, books to read and walks to do. And yet it is just not that simple.
The money isn’t an issue, I’ve been self employed for five years now and know to save during the good times to even out the bad. Where I have been so ill I cut right back on my spending so that there are not any excesses heading out the door and I am blessed in that my husband has a great job and we can get by on his salary.
The wolf is not at the door. I can get on and do stuff to grow my business.
None the less there is a whisper growing in me that I cannot ignore. That I am supposed to be doing something else. For so long I have had this urge and it is beginning to take shape in my mind. It is also utterly ludicrous and bonkers, but none the less it is there. I am me and so the first thing I do is research, lots of it. Website, books, talking to people – albeit reluctantly as this is crazy business. One thing I read makes me think NOPE I can’t do this, and I feel great because I have made a decision. And then the whisper and the curiosity strikes up again. So I read a little more and think YES I can do this. I speak to someone else and she takes a fear away…..
Only for it to be replaced with the idea that this is utterly bonkers….And so it goes…..