That aching hole
I reread Seven Thousand ways over Christmas.
He spoke in the book about the ache in his soul being a tuning fork. I hadn’t thought about this before, although I am extremely familiar with that aching, painful, throbbing hole which fills my soul at times and I try to stuff it full of temporary fixes to fill it, from Netflix to sugar…. I think that hole is the root of all addiction and painful behaviour.
It occurred to me that I hadn’t experienced that ache during my time off in December.
This deep and nameless ache in the the presence of beauty and suffering has been a steadfast teacher and friend. It breaks me open to truth when I am too busy or numb to take in beauty.
I hope it is not because I am unable to cope with working (even in the quite loose way that I do work), but because my new plan is working for me. That keeping focused on the divine and developing my technical side of coding and my creative work and sharing here will help me.
Is that the case? Is this just temporary? Probably, life is difficult and I feel its ups and downs oh so very, very much. We shall see when I go back to deal with clients, or lack thereof. But maybe I can take that ache as an alarm bell as well as a tuning fork – maybe that is God telling me that I am drifting away from my purpose, or that there is something wrong I need to address, or even that She is calling me onto do something about XYZ.
I have never noticed its absence before, nor thought about what that meant, only every been aware of its painful yelling and stabbing when that hole is there.