Oh, I struggle with this site, and once again the domain name is up for renewal and I wonder if I should bother paying out the £30 odd a year it takes to keep it up and running.
There is a part of me that would like to say ‘sod it’ and do all of my writing and sharing under my main website, however , as my work there is consultancy, professional photography and, coming soon, web development, it doesn’t seem right.
But then I wonder why do I bother writing here at all? What is my outcome from it? This thought process isn’t new, it goes in seasons. Like many others I am a seeker who processes by writing. I understand the world by reading and writing, feeling and writing, experiencing and writing.
I get through a journal every 6 weeks, and these are big chunky books with narrow lines and I have quite small handwriting. I agonise about how much time I spend in my journal, when I could be doing actual writing, like my novel, more posts here, or whatever…. Or doing any of my other creative things, music, painting, photography.
But it appears to be part of the process, my process of being in the world. And sharing some of that here helps. I love reading memoir type stories, especially with those who struggle with faith. Those who struggle with being highly introverted, deeply sensitive, creative types. I think those of us who are like that, also like to read about others’ wandering wonderings.
There is also a part of me who is deeply called to be a mystic and a healer, while at the same time being quite off put at the whole idea of both of those concepts. I’ve always seen myself as more of a warrior than either of those, but I am learning the power of surrendering. Of not knowing. Of living the questions as Rilke says.
I don’t have the answers, to anything, and I think that is why I struggle with this site. I like clear cut things. For things to have a reason, a purpose, a structure, which this online space doesn’t have. It’s quite messy, I contradict myself. I don’t have a clearly defined label, and I want one…. Hmm.
I’m thinking about this – Liminal Luminous, a wandering, wondering space of devotion, creativity and freedom.
Not exactly succinct is it?