Worrying about the last step
I write in fits and start, I can do this, I love to do this, what is the point of this, no-one reads this, why am I bothering?
Then I realise that I write because I enjoy it. And that’s what matters.
None the less, the fear stops me writing so much. I worry about steps so far away – actually getting published, that I let it stop me writing. Daft I know. I worry about publishing under my name. I create lists of psdeunyms to submit my stories with. I create one for this blog. And then do nothing and am paralysed in my writing. Why am I obsessing about nom de plumes?
So that I can write freely and without worrying about potential employers/clients finding it.
So I can write really weird fiction without upsetting anyone.
So I can write about religious stuff here without it putting people off my fiction writing.
There’s a lot to unpack there isn’t there. Worrying about those end steps is stopping me from writing in the first place. I am worry about what name I will publish under, rather than actually getting on and writing in the first place. The nonsense of that is utterly breath taking. For starters I am not practicing writing, so I am never going to get good at it.
I worry that I need to create three of me – one for here, one for my fiction and poetry and my every day name. Now the thing is I have experience of that. In my twenties I decided I wanted to be known by my middle name, I have always hated my first name. So for a couple of years I lived by my first name at work and my middle name (Jen) outside of work. It was really confusing and complicated.
So I have decided that all three of these names will have Jen or Jennifer as the first name. Hurrah, that’s a choice made – right? No, I am STILL not doing the writing I want because I am worrying about the end stages. Absolute nonsense.
Right now I haven’t made a decision about anything, but I have taken my full name off of this blog, and I need to go back through and take my watermark off of the images. Really I don’t need to worry until people ask me for guest pieces, or to speak, or to write about book about my experiences. Yes, I do hope that those things will happen and I would be glad to do those things. But realistically, that is a very long way off, if at all. If I had kept up my first spiritual blog, I would have been writing on it for over 9 years and those aspirations would have been more realistic. See, even then I let the fear stop me, along with having to be perfect and stick to one thing, rather than sharing my rambling spiritual path in its full messy glory.
As usual I let the fear stop me, I worry about being ‘found out’…. found out as what? A little weird? Christian? A mystical techie? Well, to be honest I don’t think I can hide my weirdness. The mystical techie Christian I am less open about, just because being British we don’t talk about our spiritual practices very much. But the fundamental weirdness and otherness of me? I’m either having to seriously mask, spend very little time with people, or it becomes aparent.
Is that a problem? Well, yes if I want to make a huge amount of money in the corporate world it is, but I don’t, my husband and I decided that wasn’t going to be my path a long time ago. So why does any of this matter?
I don’t know, yet some how it does matter. It stops me from doing what I want to do and I really can’t explain why.