Writing every day
There is no doubt in my mind that I have to:
a) have a spiritual practice that is the foundation of my life
if I don’t do one or the other I end up in a very serious depression. And I mean serious, struggling to get out of bed, when I do manage to get out of bed I can’t actually do anything besides wander around in a zombie state and because my physical health is so closely connected to my mental health I end up in a huge amount of pain as well. And of course being in pain means I am less likely to want to do the things that I need to do in order to stay well, such as exercise, eating well and generally making the right choices for myself.
Can you see how this quite quickly ends up in a vicious spiral downwards? It’s hideous, really bloody hideous.
In my last post I talked about how I struggled to write and share here because I felt like my spiritual practice had to be perfect before I shared it. Totally and utterly perfect and you know, all sorted out. Which is nonsense. Who wants to hear from people who have everything sorted. I certainly don’t, it makes me feel like I am a complete failure for not having my life sorted. And let’s face it, it’s all just a lie. No-one really has their life utterly sorted out.
Anyway, my clever husband asked me yesterday what would make me happy. And I said I didn’t know, he said that was nonsense, it was studying and writing. Wow! That is astonishing. How had I forgotten such a fundamental part of myself. Yes! The problem is that I want to write all the things about, well, all the things. I have lots of thoughts on a whole range of subjects, and I want to write novels and I want to write clever essays. But, I also want to share my journey through life. My journey as someone who lives with a physical chronic illness, someone who is very prone to depression and anxiety, someone who apparently has to create or essentially dies, and as someone who has a deep spiritual yearning, but hasn’t found a home. Who keeps thinking YES! This is my spiritual home, for it to turn out not to be, which brings another round of self doubt. .
So, I have promised myself that I will write each day. No other outcomes, it may turn into a book, an essay or a blog post which I might share here. Or it might be utter nonsense that I do nothing with. It is all ok, I need to focus on the process, not the product.
I don’t have a huge readership here, in fact I don’t think I actually have a readership at all and that’s because I haven’t posted with any consistency. So I am free to write and explore as I wish to. But I do need a space to write and share, because writing for an audience is very different to writing for oneself.