Liminal Luminous

a wandering, wondering space of devotion, creativity and freedom.
Disability/Chronic Illness Living well Spirituality

You can’t do everything

I am beginning to realise that I can’t do everything.

There is still a part of me that wants to do martial arts, a marathon, become a professional photographer, learn pottery, learn Spanish, learn just about anything I find out about. Take up more musical instruments (I currently have five at home, two of which I am having lessons for). Do several MAs, a PhD, read most books (my to-read list from the last two years is over 500 books, I’ve just decided to throw it away and start again, this time writing down WHY I should read that book), the list goes on and I could add to it each day.

Of course, I can’t do all those things.

The main reason is my health, it is easy to forget, but I do have a chronic illness. My life is good and well balanced at the moment, but that is because I am not working very much and I take care of myself. It is because I was trying to do all the things that I got sick in the first place, I was training for a marathon, working at least 8 days a week (I know!), plus everything else which is part of my life.

But even if I did have all the energy in the world, I couldn’t do everything I want.

One positive thing to come from getting to ill is it forced me to have time to connect with the divine. I don’t think I would be as devoted as I am if it were not for the huge amount of time I had on enforced rest. I think I would have continued to be too busy and important to listen out to that voice. Don’t get me wrong God has always been a vital part of my life – the rituals and the ‘form’ of God have changed, but it has always been there, but during that period a few years ago when I spent an awful lot of time on the bed or the sofa that relationship developed and became deeper.

Now although I still feel the siren call of the new and shiny things I am actually able to remain focused. I have my plan for the year (not goals) written up on the board above my desk. If it is not on the plan then I am not doing it. That’s not to say I can’t go and do things for fun, but I have a tendency to want to start huge new projects, which of course means abandoning where I am. That’s not happening this year. I am staying focused. And a large part of this focus means that I have more time to spend with God. Walking in the woods, formal prayer times, and just slowing down and staying open to that small still voice, which I think will lead to the devotional connection I so yearn for.

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