Liminal Luminous

a wandering, wondering space of devotion, creativity and freedom.

Broken heart

Last month my husband broke my heart. I mean I ended up sat on the floor sobbing while the dog leaned against me and glowered at him.

And what caused this?

Well, it was while I was thinking about setting up this site, and how I could create a new beautiful name and persona for myself, a wild mystic, in touch with the light at the source, writing amazing fantasy novels and totally separate to Jen Farrant, who is quite practical and likes a good spreadsheet.

I bounced around ideas and thoughts for quite a while, and came to him with a list of nom de plumes and talked them all through and he asked, ‘what are you doing this for?’. I blinked at him a few times and said because I wanted to do all this amazing, wild creative stuff and keep it separate from my main work. He said ‘but you are not a wild creative, you a technician at heart’.

I looked at him and then started sobbing. I felt utterly crushed. How could the man that I love say this to me, tell me that I wasn’t this person that I desperately wanted to be? He went on to say that you can be creative and technical. He listed a lot of writers and creators who were very technical. It didn’t change how hurt I was.

For years I have wanted to be a writer, but one who wrote fantasy novels, or even better, a literary writer, who would be celebrated. I have been beating myself up for not working on the novel I started and wrote 50,000 words of during Camp NaNoWriMo last July. I keep sitting down to work on it and hating it. I subscribed to lots of proper literary magazine and dutifully read them each time they came in, although I really wasn’t enjoying them at all.

But I love writing like this, and I love researching and writing factual stuff, which I do a lot of for my clients.

I sat down with my journal and thought about what he had said. What I realised was he was right! I am a technical person – we met when I was the marketing manager for an IT and telecoms company, I am a geek, I love research. I want to know all the information about a subject! And I like detail and a good spreadsheet. My clients like the fact that I bring process and order to the arts.

One of the things I most enjoyed doing when I was younger was raw coding sites. I actually built a whole website in raw code, long before WordPress and its like came along. Aha!!

So, why don’t I focus on that? Now I am back learning code again and it’s making me really happy! I have given up beating myself up for not working on my novel and I’m enjoying blogging like this. And yes, I have set up this site because I wanted a place to write freely and not worrying about my
clients on my main site being put off because of this style of writing.

I am so looking forward to making this site look awesome as I develop my skills more!

My spirituality is vital to me and how I live my life and that is why I set this site up, but I have set it up under my name, Jen Farrant, I haven’t created a whole new persona to do so. But at the same time, I accept that I am practical person, that’s why I have an aversion to a lot of the spiritual sites out there. That’s why this site is different, it comes from that really grounded space.

This is one of the reasons why I love my husband, he knows me so well and he is able to help me to see myself properly too. I think it’s important not to surround ourselves with ‘yes men’, he challenges me each day to be my best self and truest self too. Are you lucky enough to have that in your life?

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