Liminal Luminous

a wandering, wondering space of devotion, creativity and freedom.
Disability/Chronic Illness/Mental health Spirituality

Difficult conclusions

I have come to the realisation that I have to spend a lot of time in prayer and contemplation, keeping my focus on the Light at all times. I have to keep my eyes on the higher power, multiple times each day.

I decided not so long ago that my morning routine, of yoga, meditation/prayer and journalling was a very inefficient way to spend my time, it was stopping me from getting on and doing my work. And I needed to work!

Now, just a couple of months later I was in the depths of depression, a really deep, filthy place which has meant I have spent the last few days lying in bed, not being able to drag myself out of it, aside from walking the dog, and bless my little dog who means I HAVE to get up and out. Lying, staring into space, wanting to die, wanting to not have to deal with one more thing.

As I was dragging myself around the park with my wonderful Buster, every step feeling like my shoes were filled with lead and the path was made of quicksand pulling me under, I realised that not so long ago I was waking up with joy in my heart. That I was able to feel God’s presence around me.

Why have I walked away from that? Because I am too proud to admit that I can’t function through my days without that devotion to God, to spending a lot of time taking care of myself. That I thought it was weak to need the spend my life in that level of devotion, I was embarrassed and ashamed.

During this depressive phase I was unable to really do anything, to read the huge stack of books I have – both physical and virtual. So I have been re-reading books which give me comfort. And those are Christian books, like always. the books which bring me sustenance are those about Jesus. There doesn’t seem to be the same type of books from those people who are spiritual nomads. Maybe it is my role in life to write them. That would make me happy.

So once again, I am back spending a lot of time focusing on the divine, as well as tending to my body and soul during my morning routine by yoga, meditation/prayer and journalling. Very quickly, once I had surrendered again to God I was able to fight my way out of the morass of the depression.

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