Faith as the foundation of life
All this to-ing and fro-ing about my faith and its practice makes me deeply fed up and angry and I want to let it all go. It takes up a huge amount of headspace, I spend a lot of time reading about it and thinking about it. Journaling about it and worrying about it all.
I am not sure it is a positive part of my life at all. I don’t think that any time I spend in my head is good for me. I am better off when I am doing. When I move my body through swimming, walking and yoga. When I am playing music. When I am writing stories (which I never share…) When I am coding.
This blog right here – waste of time and (virtual) space. I have told so few people about it. I hate the vulnerability I share here. I sometimes feel like I am ripping myself open and baring it to the internet. Which just seems stupid. And yet I continue to write. When I stop writing here I feel a bit lost.
There is a part of me which is ashamed to be a spiritual person, like it is a sort of weakness. And yet, I can’t escape it. I can’t escape writing about it either.
I want to dive deeper and deeper into my spiritual practice as I feel like it may be salvation for me. Part of me wants to cut it out as a canker in my life.
I feel like yoga as a spiritual practice (rather than just the physical movements) is calling to me, and I want to study that further, but I don’t want to be a teacher of it. Part of me is sick of bouncing around from place to place and is yelling just bloody commit you dilettante.
I am 40 this week and generally feeling quite good about it, but at the same time I worry that not only do I not have the life I want, but that I am not sure what that life would be. That I am failing at life because I am not settled into the faith/work/hobby/creative practice that is what I am supposed to do. That I keep grasping and failing to get a hold of myself and even that fundamental part of me, my faith.