Lack of focus
All my life I have been a bit of a nomad, in interests if not actuality. Although I have moved homes far more than most people, I’ve not actually travelled.
But I’ve reached the point of being really rather tired of that. I got married six years ago and that felt like a huge thing to me, actually committing to something for the rest of my life. I mean I am sure it is for everyone, but it was never something I thought I would do. I have investigated community living as an alternative to the normal life as I really couldn’t see myself settling into marriage. And it is something I have to work hard at, it doesn’t come naturally to me, but I am grateful every single day for my husband.
I’m 38 this year and on my third career, and actually it’s a career as a freelancer, and while arts consultancy makes up the majority of my work, I am also branching out into photography. What I am not doing is what I want to be doing most of all – writing. Mainly because I am so damn scared. So scared that I can’t decide what to write. The biggest category of books on my Kindle is religion, followed by fantasy, but religion far outstrips it. If I am completely honest I want to be seen as a spiritually wise person, with published books, a devoted core of readers on here and being interviewed by Krista Tippet of OnBeing. But how on earth can I do that? I haven’t studied with one tradition for any length of time, well 15 years was the longest but in a religion with no official structure – Paganism. But I have devoted hours of my life to my spiritual practice, to reading about spirituality and talking about it with my poor husband, who is an atheist, but loves me enough to listen to my waffling.
I have nearly signed up for so many religious courses, to validate my learning. I am the sort of person who only feels confident in something once I have the qualification. But I haven’t found my spiritual home. And I really don’t feel like I am spiritually wise person, but it does form a huge part of my life and I want to be able to talk to others and hold discussions around it. Because I haven’t found my spiritual home I can’t study any further (beyond books) and I am not being stretched or disciplined in anyway.
Is there an answer here? No, not right now, aside from trusting that turning up here regularly and allowing myself to explore as I want to will some day result in something. But I can’t drive it all through. I can’t create a plan and structure it into a calendar and make it happen until I am a little more certain as to what I want. It maybe that writing on here will satisfy my desire to share my spiritual path, and that will free me to get on and write all the novels which I have ideas kicking around for. Or, it will fizzle out and that will answer that question. But this is the third spiritual blog I have set up and so it clearly is something which is very important for me to write about.
I hate not having a plan and a structure!