Liminal Luminous

a wandering, wondering space of devotion, creativity and freedom.
Living well

Vulnerability and blogging

I haven’t shared posts for a few days (there is generally a bit of a lag between when I write and post, so you will have seen a few posts after the gap). The reason is that I got a vulnerability hangover even before I shared the posts. I questioned why am I doing this, why am I putting my feelings out there. So I didn’t. I sat on them until I spoke with my therapist (yes, I know, eye roll….)

I explained that I didn’t want to share my emotions…I am not an emotional person. I am a rational logical one. Funnily enough she had a book on the Enneggram on her desk, just a couple of days after I figured out which one I was. She said that my type – the Reformer, often think they are logical, but actually they are very passionate and emotional. She said that not wanting to share my posts, which I enjoy writing, is a way of minimising myself. I am a communicator and a writer, that is something which has flowed through all of my various careers. Maybe what I say will help others, and even if it doesn’t, there isn’t any shame in having emotions and sharing them.

Many years ago I was hypersensitive to the atmosphere around me and I could feel individual people’s emotions, regardless of how they were looking on the outside. This was utterly overwhelming and so I figured out how to shut that down. In hindsight a subtler way of working would have been more sensible, but that never occurred to me. Growing up, emotions were not encouraged, nor was having an alternative viewpoint other than my father’s. I have denied my emotions for quite a long time, often having them explode out of me in rage and anger, or deep dark depressions. Now I think i am beginning to melt those walls down, and as a result, my emotions are beginning to flow again in a more nuanced way.

It’s all rather tricky to deal with, as it is like a whole new me emerging from the ice. I feel like I don’t quite know this new emergent me. I wonder if this is how it is for many people who have depression, if maybe they have frozen part of themselves away, denied their true selves, and their depression is that part of themselves screaming out for attention. I am sure that’s not the case for everyone, but maybe for some people it is?

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